The past few days have been really nice. Yesterday my co-worker and I had the same timing for a lunch break and there was plenty of people to cover us so we went to Zaxby’s together. She is only 18, but she’s really cool and kind of like a country hick girl. She has an old 4x4 big Chevy truck that her boyfriend gave her. It was so funny because she is so short and so small and she drives this really big truck. Zaxby’s is just about in the same parking lot as the mall, but not quite. She didn’t put her seat belt on and I didn’t either. I know it’s really dangerous not to wear a seat belt, but it was barely a minute drive over there.

I’ve never eaten there before so I ordered the Cajun chicken sandwich with fries. It was so good because it has been YEARS since I have ever came close to eating something with dressing on it. I did feel a little sick after eating it because I am not really used to eating greasy foods plus foods with dressings on it.....but I felt so ALIVE. I cannot describe it at all. I felt so good..............I mean going to lunch with your co-worker and having a greasy chicken sandwich shouldn’t make anyone feel too excited and it's actually an everyday occurrence, but it made me so happy and made me feel so alive.

When I got off work my best friend/co-worker Jenn picked me up and we went to her house. We went to a concert at her church. Okay, not really a concert, but a singer trying to get started. I honestly did not care for it, but it was nice to be with my friend. Jenn also brought her neighbor with her and she has the cutest little baby girl. It was so much fun holding a baby........after the concert we went to Subway and I got the Italian BMT...............so strange that stuff like this which is normal everyday stuff really makes me happy..................I guess I missed out on so much when I had the eating disorder and I was so sheltered by my mother.

This girl with the baby is only 19 years old, she doesn’t have a car, she doesn’t work, hardly has any dress clothes or clothes in general, no cell phone...........then I come home and see all the stuff I have. I loaded up Jenn’s car with three big bags of unwanted clothes. Too bad those clothes won’t fit that girl........but I know Jenn will donate what she can’t use to the church and I have my room back!! Don’t have to look at those three overly stuffed bags of clothes anymore!

Well, here it is at the end of the quarter and I am on my two-week break. That quarter went by pretty fast, but the last few weeks really seemed to drag by and for a few weeks I wasn’t even sure if I was going to pass two of my classes. I know now I passed all of them, however my grades will not be the best and my GPA will go down a bit. I will have to work extra hard next quarter to bring up my GPA. I am planning on an A in two classes and at the very worst a B+ one class.

I guess Literature is not something I will ever understand all that well and have always found very boring. I had a B for a midterm grade and I am pretty sure I will have a C+ as my final grade. I found the class overall very hard and very difficult and even when I did try to get help I just couldn’t understand it. It’s a good thing I am not going to be a writer I guess. I made it though so that’s the important thing.

College Algebra is another class I nearly failed. I’ve never been the best at math either and found most of it hard, but somehow I got through it. I am really hoping for a good solid C, however it might be a D+ or a C- I am not sure, but my teacher told me I passed so I am super happy about that.

The class I did do well in was Excel, actually I had an A in it until week 8 that is when things started getting harder in all my classes. What makes me mad though is I was only one point away from an A- so I am pretty  sure I will be getting a B+ in that class. I was also one point away from a B- in my Literature class. The good thing is I have passed all my classes this quarter even the dull and boring ones. Now next quarter my classes should be more exiting and more useful in my future career. I will be taking Macroeconomics, Introduction to Communication, and Access. I already know Access will be a challenge for me and I may not get an A, but I am going to do the best I possibly can. I am hoping to get an A in both macroeconomics and communication.

I already have my books and they both look fun and interesting and somewhat easy! But we will see about that in July I guess...........

It’s my only day off this week and I can just feel my mind wondering. If my mind is not constantly kept busy the devil somehow finds a way to bring me down. All I can think about today is how my life would have turned out so differently if I had gotten a job at 16 when most people did. I would have discovered I loved working in a retail environment and most likely I would be a store manager of a smaller store or at least a supervisor by now. But noooooooooo my parents drummed in my head that I was going to start life out the right way by working in an office and being on the computer and answering phones and not doing anything physical. They also didn’t want me to drive and therefore here I am at age 22 still with just a learner’s license. I will be getting my license though before my birthday hopefully.  I just wish I had been more aggressive when I was a teenager and begged for a job. My mom told me if I started working a retail job I’d be stuck there forever, well maybe since I love it so much that wouldn’t be such a bad thing. I can’t get it out of my head how far ahead I would be in life today if my parents hadn’t been so overly protective of me and if they hadn’t been so concerned what my first job would be.

My first job wasn’t the best. It was through a temp agency at a place where a large number of people are hired and fired daily. Sure, it was in an office setting, but more like an assembly line with the way the work went. All I did all day long as sit down at a desk in a freezing cold building and prep car rental agreements and looks for errors in the paper. Nothing else.......so yeah my first job was in an office one day before my 20th birthday. Guess what? I HATED that job. I hated sitting down all day. I hated the nature of the work. I hated doing the same thing day after day. I hated the office environment in general.  After that job I got my first job working in retail and found that I really loved the environment. Even while I was still employed at the “office job” I was always thinking about working in a store thinking about how fun it would be to work around clothing.

Now two and half years later I am still there. I am very slowly moving up, but it’s so long and so slow to get where I want to be. All the negative thoughts that keep going through my head aren’t helping either. The devil keeps reminding me about that mistake I made over a year ago and the recent minor mistakes that don’t add up to crap also keep entering my mind. Deep down I know all this really doesn’t even matter it’s just the Devil trying to get me to give up on my dreams, trying to get me down, trying to make me give up. I won’t though I am going to keep on going on and I will get to be in retail management one day. I am going to keep on trying and doing what I am doing at my current job.

Everyone tells me what a great job I am doing, yet I can hardly see it because I am only doing what I am supposed to do and what I am told to do. I got to train the new training supervisor and she gave me a good report to the assistant store manager and told her I was the only one that actually helped her and role played with her and showed her what to do. My supervisor picked me to train her and I felt so honored. But that doesn’t mean that much. Or does it? Why does it take so long to advance? Granted, I have much more authority than other employees at my job, but I am making the same amount of money and in some case much less than the others. I have keys to the store and I am still allowed to act as a supervisor.

In fact, I know just about everything a supervisor knows, yet technically I am not a supervisor. I am “almost” there, yet a voice inside my head is telling me that management might take my keys away because of this reason or that reason. Anything negative or any little mistake that I’ve ever done at that place is coming back to me and telling me I am going to lose my keys and I won’t be a buddy trainer for new employees anymore. I’ve got to say “to hell with that negative voice” I’ve got to be more positive, which is something I have been trying so hard to work on. I am not going to listen to this negative voice anymore. I WILL keep my keys and I WILL be a supervisor there one day and move onto being a manager or store manager at a teen retailer. That is my goal and I will achieve it. Yesterday I had to take the buddy trainer certification quiz and I needed just an 80% to pass and that is exactly what I got, then that voice again was saying “You almost failed, you just about failed.” The new training supervisor was so happy and kept telling me what I great job I did on the quiz and that I was a wonderful trainer, but all I could think is I got the passing grade, I almost failed. I know in my heart it doesn’t matter, I passed the test. That is all the matters, not the grade.

I have to get rid of all this negative thinking if I am ever going to succeed. I mean I still feel like there is a reason why I did not get a job at 16 or go to college at 18 or 19. I feel like I am not going to know the answer until much later in life or when I get Heaven. I just feel like my life was not meant to be traditional as badly as I wanted it to be, I somehow knew I was going to be different even when I was growing up. All my friends were into cartoons and other kid stuff. I was into collecting bugs, tree frogs, and lizards. I also took an interest in weather and studied all kinds of weather until I was 13 or 14. I also never really got along with people my age. I always got along with people older than me or younger than me. Right now my best friend is 28 and I am 22. I was into nature and wildlife as a child. Maybe this is why my parents had higher hopes for me.

Am I wasting my potential by wanting to pursue a career in retail? I don’t want to let my parents down, but I feel this is my calling in life. Despite what I was into when I was child I do not want to be a weather forecaster, it will always interest me, however I do not think it is a career for me. Being a scientist isn’t exactly my thing either. I have to be happy in career of choice because I am going to be the one doing it for a number of years. As long as I feel fulfilled and happy I will keep on doing it. 

Oh man I am so tired. This is my second week working six days. Last week was finals at college and I worked 40 hours. I did it with ease though. Nothing hard about it. This week I am out of school and working 37 hours. I am so happy to have these hours though. Today I had fun at work. I worked in a different department, the department I hope to take over in a few months. Before that though the assistant store manager asked my manager if I could size the clearance dresses and it would only take me a half hour, but it took longer than that because there was so much freaking junk in there, but I love cleaning up racks and stuff. I had a challenge and it was fun. I really enjoyed the challenge and I felt so fulfilled. I am so freaking tired and my feet hurt so badly, but I feel so fulfilled. This is the career I want for at least the next ten years. I want to work in retail, I love to be around clothing and the accessories. I love to merchandise. I love to direct and give advice on how to do things. I love the challenge and it can be stressful, hey man it’s stressful to just be a regular sales person there. However it’s so much more stressful when you are given extra responsibilities, but these past few months I have been thriving on it. I LOVE doing different things. I can’t do the cashiering much more. I mean it is okay one day a week, however all the time is really getting to me, because I feel I am not learning anything new, not growing, and not challenging myself.

Today is March 23rd--a year ago I made a really bad mistake on the register and got a write up for it and thought the world and life as I knew it was ending and I vowed to never work on March 23 again. I know it was a stupid thought because anyone can make a mistake at any time the date means nothing, but anyway I requested it off. A week ago I cancelled it, something told me to just let the past go and live my life day by day and stop thinking about all my mistakes I have made in the past whether it is everyday little mistakes you make in school or at work, or major mistakes (like when I was 18 deciding I was fat and going on a diet that led to Anorexia). I really didn’t want to cancel that time off request because I did not want to let go. Letting go is the hardest thing for me to do in life. The eating disorder has not completely left and I am not sure it ever will, but the thought of graduating from college and one day being a store manager even if it’s at a teen retailer clothing store truly makes me want to leave the eating disorder behind and never ever look back. It’s such a motivating thought. Retail is very rewarding to me and I no longer fear losing my job as I once did.  I now have more confidence in myself than I did a year ago. I can get another job if I get laid off or even if they let me go. I can live my dreams and have the career I want to have. My Keyboarding teacher told me on my last day of school that I really needed to have more confidence in myself. She is right, but that is so hard for me to do.

I cannot stand how other people can see my lack of confidence at times. I try so hard not to let it show. I am so glad I went to work today, so glad I asked my manager for extra hours. I feel so tired, yet so fulfilled if that makes any sense at all. Something told me today was going to be a really good day. I must eat healthy and not give into any of those E.D. thoughts. I cannot go too long now without food without getting dizzy and lightheaded. I can make it though.........I can do it................

Ohh man I just heard a new song by Miley Cyrus. I know that sounds so cheesy, but it’s a great song for anyone trying to achieve something. I actually started crying while listening to the first few words because it described EXACTLY how I felt. That was so so weird and freaky. Just as I was thinking “I am almost there, everything is almost in my reach, but there is this voice inside my head that says I am fooling myself and I am never going to actually do it”. Then I hear that........now I have goosebumps. Its just so weird how something told me to cancel that day off and ask to go in to work today. Here are the lyrics:

I can almost see it

That dream Im dreamin, but

Theres a voice inside my head sayin

Youll never reach it

Every step Im taking

Every move I make feels

Lost with no direction

My faith is shaking

But I, I gotta keep tryin

Gotta keep my head held high

Theres always gonna be another mountain Im always gonna wanna make it move Always gonna be an uphill battle That sometimes Im gonna have to lose Aint about how fast I get there Aint about whats waitin on the other side Its the climb.

The struggles Im facin

The chances Im takin

Sometimes might knock me down, but

No, Im not breaking

I may not know it

But these are the moments that

Im gonna remember most yeah

Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong

Just keep pushing on, cause

Theres always gonna be another mountain Im always gonna wanna make it move Always gonna be an uphill battle That sometimes Im gonna have to lose Aint about how fast I get there Aint about what's waitin on the other side Its the climb Yeah

Keep on movin

Keep climbin

Keep the faith, baby

Its all about, its all about the climb

Keep the faith

Keep your faith

Whoa, whoa

Oh man it has been rough these past few weeks. I swear if I read about another layoff I am going to scream. I cannot even go online, watch TV, listen to the radio without hearing about another company that is laying people off. Every time I see another layoff I hold my breath and read if it is my company. Today our store manager told us that the company has decided there will be no raises for anyone in the company this year. They did this to prevent store closings and layoffs. I guess it is better than being laid off, it is disappointing, but I was almost expecting layoffs. I am trying so hard to keep positive and to keep doing an excellent job at work. I do not think anything can break my passion for retail. I love working with people and talking to people and I love clothing. No matter how hard things get and how few hours I get I am determined to go to work every single day with a smile on my face and do my job in every which way possible.

I am having a bit of a hard time getting ahead in school. I am on time with all my assignments, but I would love to get ahead, but at least I am on time and at least I am learning new skills. No matter how hard things get I am going to keep on going through it because I will reach the other side. I will get the position I want one day and I will get my degree. I will not give up, no matter what………

It is so hard to find the time to post in here, but I am making time. The new assignment at work has been a great challenge for me. I have learned so much it is such a wonderful experience and I am sad it will be ending in a few more weeks. Two supervisor positions will be opening up after Christmas and I am really hoping for one of them. The one position is in my department and I know I would do well since I know all the merchandise. It has been interesting to see how the employees act towards me. Most of them are alright, but a few still view me as a regular employee just like them and do not want to follow my directions. That has been a challenge, but I am working on being more assertive and firmer in my decisions. Even if I do not end up becoming a supervisor

before I graduate from college this has been one of the greatest experiences of my retail career. It has given me confidence for when I am finally do take on a supervisor or manager role.

I will be taking a class on campus for the Winter 08 term and I am very excited. This is only my second class on campus. A real actual class. My last class was Foundations of Math which was alright, but did not count for college credit. Keyboarding I is something I should have been able to take online, but was not able to for some reason. I do not think my computer supports the

software. Keyboarding I is hardly ever offered online so this is probably my one shot at taking this class on campus.

Well, I have come a long way since Thanksgiving three years ago. When I was 19 I was almost on my way to death if I had kept going the way I had been going. I was sick with the eating disorder Anorexia Nervosa. I remember the night before Thanksgiving my Dad was setting up the Christmas tree and I was feeling faint and weak. Later on that night I was lying in bed too afraid to go to sleep, because I was having hard time breathing. I remember thinking why now? Why now?

I remember thinking that I really did not want to die, not right before Thanksgiving, not right before Christmas. I could hardly feel my heart beating it was beating so faintly I thought at any minute it would give out. I remember telling myself I would start to eat more if I woke up the next morning. I remember begging God to let me live, telling God I wanted to find my place in life, how I wanted to have a career, a husband and kids one day, how I wanted so badly to attend college, how I wanted so badly to work and get a job and make my own money. I begged God that night to let me live so I could one day experience the life I wanted to have. He let me live through that night and here I am today. Even though I did not get better with the eating disorder until a year and a half later most of what I wanted came true. I have found the career I want in life and I am in college and I am working. I love the kind of work I do and I want to advance in this line of work. I know if I were in the state of mind I was three years ago I would never be able to do it it would not be physically possible. There would be no way I could remember all things I have to remember and all the running around I have to do. I am still not able to do things most people at my age can do because I starved myself. I am behind a little in growth and I might never catch up. I am not as strong as most women my age. I am also behind a little with comprehension. I was considered a gifted student when I was child and had a very high IQ. While I am still smart I have trouble understanding some things the first time they are explained to me.

Before the eating disorder I had no trouble understanding anything.

Three years ago I would have never thought the life I have now would be possible for me. Getting better was hard for me because Anorexia became my life; it was my job, future career, my school. Having an eating disorder was like a school in a way because it dictated how many calories I could eat and I would research fat grams and food in calories for hours on end, then exercise and try to figure out how many calories I burned. It was also a job; working to burn off calories and working at staying thin and in return all I got was a voice inside my head telling me it was still not good enough, I was still too fat, I still ate too much, I still weighed too much……..it was a never ending job with a promotion of death. My only chance of getting out of that deep dark hole I was in was finding something that mattered to me, something that I truly wanted to do in life that was better than starving myself. Finding a new identity now I realize was my turnaround. Regaining control over my life and realizing I had control over my life was the biggest factor in my recovery. I had always been very sheltered. As an only child my mother was and still in a way is overly protective of me. I believe that was one of the biggest reasons I developed an eating disorder in the first place. I do not blame her; I feel this eating disorder even though I regret it more than anything else in my life has made me who I am today. Although I am not completely recovered and still have eating disorder tendencies I would never go back to the place I was before. Looking back it was a living nightmare. Life without an eating disorder is SO SO much better. Nothing feels better than being able to eat lunch with my co-workers or classmates without having to ask myself if I am “allowed” to eat it or ask how many calories are in it. Nothing feels better than being able to eat whatever I want at whatever time of day I want.