Oh man I am so tired. This is my second week working six days. Last week was finals at college and I worked 40 hours. I did it with ease though. Nothing hard about it. This week I am out of school and working 37 hours. I am so happy to have these hours though. Today I had fun at work. I worked in a different department, the department I hope to take over in a few months. Before that though the assistant store manager asked my manager if I could size the clearance dresses and it would only take me a half hour, but it took longer than that because there was so much freaking junk in there, but I love cleaning up racks and stuff. I had a challenge and it was fun. I really enjoyed the challenge and I felt so fulfilled. I am so freaking tired and my feet hurt so badly, but I feel so fulfilled. This is the career I want for at least the next ten years. I want to work in retail, I love to be around clothing and the accessories. I love to merchandise. I love to direct and give advice on how to do things. I love the challenge and it can be stressful, hey man it’s stressful to just be a regular sales person there. However it’s so much more stressful when you are given extra responsibilities, but these past few months I have been thriving on it. I LOVE doing different things. I can’t do the cashiering much more. I mean it is okay one day a week, however all the time is really getting to me, because I feel I am not learning anything new, not growing, and not challenging myself.

Today is March 23rd--a year ago I made a really bad mistake on the register and got a write up for it and thought the world and life as I knew it was ending and I vowed to never work on March 23 again. I know it was a stupid thought because anyone can make a mistake at any time the date means nothing, but anyway I requested it off. A week ago I cancelled it, something told me to just let the past go and live my life day by day and stop thinking about all my mistakes I have made in the past whether it is everyday little mistakes you make in school or at work, or major mistakes (like when I was 18 deciding I was fat and going on a diet that led to Anorexia). I really didn’t want to cancel that time off request because I did not want to let go. Letting go is the hardest thing for me to do in life. The eating disorder has not completely left and I am not sure it ever will, but the thought of graduating from college and one day being a store manager even if it’s at a teen retailer clothing store truly makes me want to leave the eating disorder behind and never ever look back. It’s such a motivating thought. Retail is very rewarding to me and I no longer fear losing my job as I once did.  I now have more confidence in myself than I did a year ago. I can get another job if I get laid off or even if they let me go. I can live my dreams and have the career I want to have. My Keyboarding teacher told me on my last day of school that I really needed to have more confidence in myself. She is right, but that is so hard for me to do.

I cannot stand how other people can see my lack of confidence at times. I try so hard not to let it show. I am so glad I went to work today, so glad I asked my manager for extra hours. I feel so tired, yet so fulfilled if that makes any sense at all. Something told me today was going to be a really good day. I must eat healthy and not give into any of those E.D. thoughts. I cannot go too long now without food without getting dizzy and lightheaded. I can make it though.........I can do it................

Ohh man I just heard a new song by Miley Cyrus. I know that sounds so cheesy, but it’s a great song for anyone trying to achieve something. I actually started crying while listening to the first few words because it described EXACTLY how I felt. That was so so weird and freaky. Just as I was thinking “I am almost there, everything is almost in my reach, but there is this voice inside my head that says I am fooling myself and I am never going to actually do it”. Then I hear that........now I have goosebumps. Its just so weird how something told me to cancel that day off and ask to go in to work today. Here are the lyrics:

I can almost see it

That dream Im dreamin, but

Theres a voice inside my head sayin

Youll never reach it

Every step Im taking

Every move I make feels

Lost with no direction

My faith is shaking

But I, I gotta keep tryin

Gotta keep my head held high

Theres always gonna be another mountain Im always gonna wanna make it move Always gonna be an uphill battle That sometimes Im gonna have to lose Aint about how fast I get there Aint about whats waitin on the other side Its the climb.

The struggles Im facin

The chances Im takin

Sometimes might knock me down, but

No, Im not breaking

I may not know it

But these are the moments that

Im gonna remember most yeah

Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong

Just keep pushing on, cause

Theres always gonna be another mountain Im always gonna wanna make it move Always gonna be an uphill battle That sometimes Im gonna have to lose Aint about how fast I get there Aint about what's waitin on the other side Its the climb Yeah

Keep on movin

Keep climbin

Keep the faith, baby

Its all about, its all about the climb

Keep the faith

Keep your faith

Whoa, whoa